i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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