walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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