i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
