I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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