I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
