ya dads aren't the best wingmen
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
