My ATM looks so different sober.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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