Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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