I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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