What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
