My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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