she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
