I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
