I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
