Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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