so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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