The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
