I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
