you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize