My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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