So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize