Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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