Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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