I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
