the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize