Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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