I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
