My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
