you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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