I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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