rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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