You're a womanizer and a bitch.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
