I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
