So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
