Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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