is your mom at the bar?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
