i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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