is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Randomize
