My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
