You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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