Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
