actually, I'm a sock model
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I am midnight drunk by noon
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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