I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize