you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
