Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
