i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
