laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
