I love black thongs
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
be right there i have to get my cape
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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