Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Randomize
