I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
