His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
