I bet he comes in French.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
