I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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