alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
