hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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