I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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