Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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