I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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