I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
