In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize