i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
