Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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