I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize