there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
