Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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