She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
