Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
